Well, the mid-terms happened and we Americans have come out to prove that we cannot make up our minds to save our lives. This week, I humbly submit to you a bipartisan playlist: ten songs for the Republican victors and ten songs for the Democrat losers. It’s a list of songs you conservatives can listen to as you cheerfully tell Pelosi not to hit her ass on the way out and the Democrats can cry to as they make bad boner/Boehner puns in between sobs. Let’s crank up the jams for the Republican victory ho-downs and Democrat pity parties quickly folks, before the infuriating traffic jam that is national policy making begins and we all become hopeless losers.
1: “Christ Our President” by Billy Bragg and Wilco
This little ditty is for all those Christian righters and Tea Party fiends who are so intent on taking the country back! It really should be their theme song. Given the Republican record for using songs like, “Born in the USA,” which is extremely critical of American policies, they probably wouldn’t care that it was written by the most famous American socialist, Woody Guthrie.
2: “Après Moi” – Regina Spektor
“After me comes the flood” is probably exactly what John Boehner was thinking when he woke up on that sunny Tuesday morning in November. There was a red flood! This song also has the added bonus of listing things conservatives can be afraid of, like the poor and the lame. They are so scary that they shouldn’t get any health care.
3: “Okie From Muskogee”- Mele Haggard
This song dates back to the Vietnam War protests, deriding the hippies and lauding those from the small all American towns. Just like the Republicans, this song is gleeful of ignorance and suspicious of intellectualism. Granted, it was also satirical…
4: “Fight the Power”- Public Enemy
“Fight the Power” is a rallying cry for the Tea Party and the insurgent conservatives, who see themselves as outsiders looking in on corruption and scheming. So this was originally a song for all the liberals out there looking to subvert the freakishly regressive politics of the 1980s. It works just as well for subverting the progressive politics of today.
5: “Celebration”- Kool and the Gang
To be honest, this is the only one of the songs that they may actually play at any of the victory parties. Still, celebrate now, because in two years, when nothing has gotten done due to gridlock– let’s see if this red tide pulls back out.
6: “Rock You Like a Hurricane”- The Scorpions
Here the Republican Party is, America! And they are ready to rock both you and the Democratic Party like a hurricane. Not a hurricane Katrina though, because you forgot about how Republican leadership was in charge during that. And not a hurricane of foreclosures either, which the Republican Party oversaw. You know, a hurricane of amnesia, a hurricane like that.
7: “The American Dream” From Wag the Dog
This here will celebrate two of the things the Republican party used to win, both the maudlin and blind acceptance of “American ideal” without recognition of American problems AND deft manipulation of the media. If you haven’t seen Wag the Dog yet, this joke may be lost on you, so go see it.
8: “The Fear”- Lily Allen
“I’m being taken over by the fear” sounds a whole lot like what many Republicans were saying this whole election cycle and voters were being taken over, that is for sure. Let’s be honest, no Republican celebration is complete without at least some fear mixed in.
9: “The Knife”- Grizzly Bear
This one here is dedicated to all the “mama grizzlies” that Sarah Palin helped move to the spot light. When the beautiful harmonies kick in and hauntingly sing, “Can’t you feel the knife” you can practically see the gleeful faces of Rand Paul and Sarah Palin as they think about what they did to the democrats.
10: “Testify”- Rage Against the Machine
While Rage Against the Machine is known for their incendiary videos directed by Michael Moore and is widely considered to be liberal, these guys have a message the Tea Party can get behind, “we hate the government.” Ask any Tea Partier if they feel like they are raging against a machine, more likely than not they will say yes. “Testify” should be played as a hype song, because now that they have subpoena power, testifying is the only thing the President will have time to do.
1: “Loser”- Beck
That’s what you are, dems: losers. Big fat losers. How does it feel to be such a loser, does it feel exactly like it felt in 1994? Here is a song so you can relive the pain and floral prints of the 90s.
2: “Stand By Your Man”- Tammy Wynett
This is exactly what congressional candidates did not do this election. In fact, they ran away from their man. Nonetheless, you are going to have to start standing beside him if you want to remain in power two years from now, otherwise there will be only pain and heartache coming your way.
3: “Political Science”- Randy Newman
“No one likes us, I don’t know why” is a sentiment that the Democrats are keenly in tune with. Why did the people run away on you? Could it be that you promised sweeping change and never delivered? Or maybe the comical infighting that makes congress look like an elementary school playground. Drop the big one, Dems, see what happens.
4: “Destroy Everything You Touch”- Ladytron
This is another sentiment the Democrats know only too well. While the country isn’t completely destroyed, all that good will from the last election is! When it was in the hands of the most disorganized party on the planet, I guess it’s a small wonder it didn’t happen sooner.
5: “In My Hour of Darkness”- Gram Parsons
Oh, it is a dark time for you Dems, a dark time indeed. This song asks for the one thing that you desperately need: vision. So sit around and cry a little bit, and hopefully, someone will grant you some vision–and quick!
6: “Optimistic”- Radiohead
There was so much misguided optimism coming into this election. Oh, you adorable little democrats, you thought you could keep the House! So sweet, so naïve. Well Thom Yorke and Co have something to say: “You can try the best you can, the best you can is not enough.”
7: “Changes”- David Bowie
Remember the good old days, the days when you promised change? Change we can believe in was the exact wording, I seem to recall. Well, here’s to those days. Maybe if you start shouting loud enough, the people will forget that there was very little change to be had.
8: “The Song Remains the Same”- Led Zeppelin
There seems to be so little different with the country since the start of the Democrats taking power. That could be, of course, that there has only been two years that have past and that the other party sat around yelling, “I can’t hear you, lalalalala, I can’t hear you.” None the less, Democrats get to hide back in their holes knowing that everything went back to being the same.
9: “Once in a Lifetime”- Talking Heads
Here is another one for sobbing over lack of accomplishments–and it’s got a killer beat! Things may still be exactly the same, but that doesn’t mean you can’t dance and cry at the same time.
10: “All Apologies”- Nirvana
You can dedicate this one to the liberals who feel disenfranchised.